Day 8

Run: 1.30 miles in 26:50
Sit-ups: 0
Push-ups: 0

I suck!  This is pointless.  I won't score high on the ASVAB and I know it.  I got a call today saying I was being considered for an HR Assistant position that I probably won't get anyways.

Day 7

Run: 1.58 miles in 27:36
Sit-ups: 0
Push-ups: 0

I'm watching Sex and the City on the portable DVD player while I use the treadmill.  I'm going to get my series watched and my workouts.  Seems like a good idea to me.

I broke down last night.  Failing at this seems inevitable which makes me angry all the time.  I was feeling so good about it all until that practice ASVAB.  I know I just need to keep trying, but it seems pointless.

Day 6

Run: 2.23 miles in 45:20
Sit-ups: 1
Push-ups: 1 girlie push-up

My abs hurt from doing 1 sit-up.  How sad is that?  I'm trying though.  I did 1 girlie push-up, but a few almost push-ups, too.  It's an improvement I suppose.  I've also been working on my math and I'm slowly getting better.

Day 5

Run: 1.22 miles in 20:20
Sit-ups: 0
Push-ups: 1 girlie push-up

I need to study my math.

Day 4

I've lost all motivation now that I don't believe I can score high enough on the ASVAB.  I mean what's the point in trying if you're just no god at some thing.

Run: 1.22 miles in 20:21
Sit-ups: 1, but did ab workout
Push-ups: .5, but did 5 girl push-ups

I guess I should go study my math now to see if there's hope yet. 

Later:
I studied until my brain melted for what god it did me.  Apparently, I need to get closer to a 70 not just in the 60s.  I got a 56 on the practice test.  I'm still going to try, but my hopes are diminishing by the second. 

Day 3

Run: 1.19 miles in 20:20
Sit-ups: 0, abs hurt, but still worked out abs
Push-ups: almost did 1
Used Bowflex to work triceps and hips

Stacy is taking me to see a recruiter today so I can start figuring out what needs to get done.  We have to get some kind of waiver in order to be dual career.  Stacy's 1SGT also said he knows the Columbia recruiter's 1SGT so if we feel I'm being treated unfairly he'll make a phone call for me.

Doubt is starting to set in like a bad fog.  I know I want to do this, but the chicken in me is starting to build a case for the flight part of fight or flight.  I'm scared that if I became an officer that I wouldn't be able to do the job, that I'll mess up and be "that person."  I want to be good at this, not just another half-witted officer who skates by.  That seems so impossible to be good at anything now.  I know I'm scared of the uncertainty all this will bring; I just wish I could control that fear better, harness it into something useful. 

Later:

So much for becoming an officer.  I took a practice ASVAB and completely bombed the math sections.  I attempted to practice when I got home only to be even more disappointed in myself.  I couldn't do any of the problems.  I'll never be able to score high enough to get into OCS.  Yet another failure on my part.  I can't do anything right.  I can't get a job, raise a child, have a healthy marriage.  I'm a loser through and through.  I'm not smart, never was.  I simply deluded myself into thinking I was smart.  I'm no better that all the idiot Okies I used to hand around.  I'm even worse than them because at least they're happy doing what they do.

Day 2

Still sucking, but itsy, bitsy imporvement on sit-ups.
Run: 16:53
Sit-ups: 16
Push-ups: 0

I told Stacy I want to do this for sure.  I also told him I need his help (which is a monumental deal because I don't ask for help).  He showed me the PT scorecard.  I have to get up to 20:20 run for 2 miles, 45 sit-ups and 17 push-ups.  I can get there, I know I can.

I haven't told my dad I'm doing this. I'm afraid he'll be all negative about it.  Of all the people, his negativity is probably what would undo my resolve.  I need happy, positive and encouraging words.  I can do this!

Later that day...

I don't know if I can do this.  I've been over thinking the issue to death; my escape planning behavior is kicking into high gear.  I need to do this.  I've set my mind on the task and now I just need to stay with it.  I've gained so much weight recently and I'm disgusted with myself.  I've put on 30 pounds since April, most of it in just the past few months.  But I'm bored all day, what am I supposed to do to stay busy and active?

The Beginning - Day 1

All my life I have half-assed everything I've ever done, said I would do or thought about doing.  I've made a personal lifestyle out of almost finished or just started projects or ideas.  Go to college, drop out.  Go back to college, but barely try.  Graduate, work as an administrative assistant.  Quit Administrative Assistant job and take daycare job.  Turn down promotion.  Then I moved, no job, didn't look for a job because I convinced myself I'd be handed a new job upon arrival because I was a spouse already in the system.  I never even bothered to look up how spousal preference works because I just half-assed yet another thing in my life.

I'm a half-assed parent; spending time reading, watching TV, cleaning or anything besides playing with my kid.  I should be ashamed.  Of all the things to half-ass, child rearing should not be one of them.  So I realize the life I've been leading is lacking.  I have no job, let alone a career.  I suck at parenting the way the color yellow sucks at being green.  I've bumbled along, blaming others and myself for being what I am and now it's time to stop!

I am 29 years old and out of shape and over weight.  It's time to start taking care of myself and grow up.  I'm going to join the Army and become an officer.

Sucked at running, sit-ups and push-ups.
Run: 16 min/mile
Sit-ups: 14
Push-ups: BIG FAT 0

I told my mom and she supports me, so does my other mom, Peg.