Day 3

Run: 1.19 miles in 20:20
Sit-ups: 0, abs hurt, but still worked out abs
Push-ups: almost did 1
Used Bowflex to work triceps and hips

Stacy is taking me to see a recruiter today so I can start figuring out what needs to get done.  We have to get some kind of waiver in order to be dual career.  Stacy's 1SGT also said he knows the Columbia recruiter's 1SGT so if we feel I'm being treated unfairly he'll make a phone call for me.

Doubt is starting to set in like a bad fog.  I know I want to do this, but the chicken in me is starting to build a case for the flight part of fight or flight.  I'm scared that if I became an officer that I wouldn't be able to do the job, that I'll mess up and be "that person."  I want to be good at this, not just another half-witted officer who skates by.  That seems so impossible to be good at anything now.  I know I'm scared of the uncertainty all this will bring; I just wish I could control that fear better, harness it into something useful. 

Later:

So much for becoming an officer.  I took a practice ASVAB and completely bombed the math sections.  I attempted to practice when I got home only to be even more disappointed in myself.  I couldn't do any of the problems.  I'll never be able to score high enough to get into OCS.  Yet another failure on my part.  I can't do anything right.  I can't get a job, raise a child, have a healthy marriage.  I'm a loser through and through.  I'm not smart, never was.  I simply deluded myself into thinking I was smart.  I'm no better that all the idiot Okies I used to hand around.  I'm even worse than them because at least they're happy doing what they do.